These letters are, by far, the most difficult things for me to write. They are difficult because I miss you so incredibly much.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you and long for your presence next to me. I wonder what you would be doing, what you would be like, and how your health would be. I find myself wondering what life would be like with you.
I'm going to be honest, your life was traumatic for me. Your life brought about pain greater than anything I have ever experienced before. Your life was not at all what I expected it to be. But your life was perfect just the way it was.
It is so easy for me to lose sight of your life. Often times, I wallow in the pain of your death and the hole you left in our family when you died. I become overcome with the grief of the expectations and hopes that I had for you. I become self centered and selfish in my thinking.
But Joshua, your life was more than just 51 days of trauma and sickness. Your life reached further than those hospital walls. Your life, even though it was short and hard, was nothing short of a miracle.
I can't begin to describe the change you brought to my life. The change in priorities, the change in financial stability, the change in my faith and worldview, those were all because of you, baby boy.
The day you were born, 3 years ago today, I remember looking into your eyes moments after you were born. I remember you looking back at me, and I remember feeling peace- overwhelming peace. Your wise old eyes told me that you loved me, and that good was going to come out of your life. Your spirit touched mine that day, and I knew that my life would never be the same. Thank you, Joshua, for what you gave me in that moment and in your life.
Today is the hardest day of the year for me. How can we possibly celebrate another year without you? How can we celebrate the day that was supposed to be the beginning of a lifetime of memories with you? How can we celebrate when the loss was and is so great?
I don't know how we will do it, other than by remembering what an amazing little boy you were. God had big plans for you Joshua. Those plans were fulfilled and you were allowed to go Home. My heart aches at the loss, but rejoices in your life.
Happy Birthday, sweet boy. Mama, Daddy, Caleb, Hannah, and Lukey love you VERY much. Give your grandpa big boy birthday kisses today, sweet boy.